Abstract
Love forms the foundation of any marriage and in as much as the feeling of love may come and go, love has to stay no matter the circumstances. This is because love is a choice, therefore, a person can choose either to love or not to love. The fact that after the wedding the spouses vow to love each other until death do them apart just explains how love, which is a choice, should enable their relationship stay strong throughout their lives. This is because other than the people commitment to love each other it is also a command and a promise to God and the society. It is evident that every person has a unique love language that he or she understands the best, and it is the task of the partner to identify the love language and use it to give love to the satisfaction of his or her partner. Different people speak different love languages which means that they will only listen and understand the love language they can speak. It is significant for couples get to identify their primary love language, as well as that of their partner. This will enable them to give and receive love in a satisfactory manner. Love is the basis of every marriage, and it is essential that spouses understand the love languages that their partners speak to be capable of satisfying them with love and care. The paper sheds some light on the different love languages, how the partners can identify and speak the primary love language of their partners to ensure happy marriages. This is so because a person can only listen to and appreciate the language he or she can speak, and he will need the most significant people in his life to use the language in order to feel cared for and loved.
The Five Love Languages
Introduction
Feeling loved is a primary human emotional need and it follows individuals from childhood into their adulthood years. The astonishing fact is that this experience of love people encounter can only meet that need every person yearns for with a limited and predictable lifespan (Dereck, 2010). This emanates from the fact that after that season of being high in love dissipates, the emotional need for love will resurface, which is dependent on human nature. This explains the concept of emotional love tank where during those times man feels loved, it is certain that his emotional love tank is full and becomes empty when they do not experience the love (Chapman, 2009). This shows the importance of love in man’s life such that it is a necessity that binds people together right from childbirth when a baby is born to when he or she gets old enough to leave the parents home and stay with his wife or her husband, which is the institution of marriage. Love is thus a fundamental aspect of marriage, which is the earnest and most cherished of all human relationships (Munroe, 2005). The illustration of such a fundamental aspect resonates well in all humanity, and this is because people can use it as an orientation to judge a sick society. For instance, an ailing society has the characteristics of attaching to their human relationships the same attitude as that they display towards inanimate and disposable items. These confusions about marriage that has made marriage become irrelevant in some societies, where people shop for relationships in the same way they would shop for clothes, is disturbing. However, there is a good side of marriage for Munroe (2005) asserts that in as much as the modern society seems to live in a world of expiration dates, there is still something that can last for long, and people can depend on for longer than usual and even eternal marriage. Love should be the foundation of every marriage, and it is a good idea because God ordained it to last, and human have the task to make it last through different ways, and one of them is the five languages of love.
Love and Marriage
When a person chooses to marry, he has opted to choose the closeness of God, which is in the form of a secure relationship with another human. This is a premeditated choosing of nearness over any distance, company over aloofness, association over isolation and that of love over apathy (Chapman, 2009). In as much as a family is a foundation of any given healthy society, marriage predates it and all other institutions, and this is because it is an essential element of the human society. The intuition behind the fact is that, before any nations or churches there was a family, which initially emanated from marriages. Therefore, a marriage is the foundation, on which a family arises to make a healthy society (Munroe, 2005). In Christian weddings, those getting married assure to love each other until death detaches them, and in this case, they promise to do loving actions to each other. To love is to do loving actions to each other and not having the feeling of love for each other, and because Chapman (2009) asserts the importance of romantic love in marriages as a psychological need, other technicalities sprout from it. This is because the feeling of love is different from loving and in as much as the feeling of love is essential in marriage it is just a feeling, therefore, prone to change naturally. A person cannot choose to have the feeling of love because it is natural, for it comes and goes. Meanwhile, love is a choice that the wedded couple should strive to maintain, and this is because it is a command as well as a promise (Mponda, 2007). The many divorces that are resultant from the marriages trace their roots to love, which is a word that is so powerful and valuable for that matter yet many continue to misunderstand.
Marriage and Divorce
Marriage is a union based on love, and it involves more than the two partners because the society depends on the institution of marriage to make a family that can make a healthy society. Given that a marriage is an institution, changing from an institution to the other is not the solution to any problem. Munroe (2005) advises that hanging on during the tough times, and working out through the problems provides the best solution to growth and maturity. This stems from the fact that almost all marital problems are not one sided, for both the partners will have a share of the problem even if it is in a significantly small way. Chances are that when a couple opts for divorce it means that one partner thinks the other was wrong, and he she wants to find another partner. The reality is that there will be no problem solving, and partners will move into the next relationships with the same problems. In simple terms, it will be a transfer of marital issues and difficulties from one relationship to the other and a consequent repeat of the circle. Therefore, divorce is no solution to marital difficulties but rather solving the problems during the tough times and cherishing the good times. Success in marriage takes more than being in love. This is because love is seasonal and the only solution is to know how to compact with the situation in order the love, that laid the foundation of marriage at the beginning, does not seem to be fading. In most cases, this would lead to divorce, but as Chapman (2009) puts it, the language of love does the magic.
The Love Language
Communication is a fundamental aspect of understanding any given matter. This is because it reveals the details of the two sides that are in dispute and try to lay bare their issues, scrutinize them, find possible solutions, and harmonize the disgruntled parties. However, communications vary on a number of things because it is not one way. Communication also depends on the person receiving the information, and choice of words, the tone, the language, and perception plays a key concept in the process. This is because any couple may feel that he has communicated to his partner whatever he feels, and this makes him assume that the partner has received the message and expects feedback. In many circumstances, this usually does not happen because of the language used, and it is such a coincidence that Chapman (2009) asserts every person understands his or her own love language. This means that to ensure the couples work out their differences they should be knowledgeable about which of the five different love languages the partner understands (Dereck, 2010). Two couples speaking different love languages are less likely to work out their differences and survive a divorce, which continues to be a strong negative of love and love matters. A couple should identify, understand, and be capable of speaking the primary love language of their spouses to ensure a happy marriage (Munroe, 2005). Every spouse has a unique love language that should help him or her to love each other truly and sort out their issues.
The Five Love Languages
Couples can grow their love through knowledge of the love languages, which both the partners understand best and work on it to eliminate the negative. According to Mponda (2007), there are five love languages and these include physical touch, acts of service, granting quality time, gifts, and affirmative words. A partner who understands the love of language of physical touch will only be capable of knowing that the partner needs him or her to do to give or receive love if the partner uses the same language on him or her. Kaczor et al. (2011) decodes the five to one magic ratio, and he is certain that it is the magic ratio of relationships, and it can only work when spouses accentuate the positives while, at the same time, maintaining the negative. In this ratio, five positives to one negative, a contented couple is that which strikes a healthy balance between the negative and positive feelings and actions to each other. On the other hand, a poor balance will only result to spouses in deep marital misery, and this means that it will take five positive actions to balance out every negative action, and that is what separates the discontent and happy couples in marriage type.
The five-love languages work out the magic in three special ways, and one of them is that a person loves someone through his or her actions. This is because love is action, it is a choice, and it is not equal to the feeling of love, which is beneficial but not static because its nature is dependent. Kaczor et al. (2011) argues that a person will tend to give to others just in the same way that he would want to receive, and this is the partners primary love language. However, another aspect that can help to build relationships and that is equally valuable with the love languages is the fact that couples should know that their partners would appreciate only what they identify with. This means that those with a different love language will require that their partners reciprocate their love using the language they understand and appreciate. Learning and using each other’s love languages is capable of increasing the quality of spouses’ relationships, and there are five patterns of giving and receiving the affection and attention so desired.
Words of Affirmation
Spoken words are a message to a spouse that the other partner acknowledges, appreciates, and honors things he or she does. It may also be an appreciation of how valuable the other partner is to him or her (Munroe, 2005). This means that, in a situation where the primary love language of the person falls under this category, it is vital that the partner identifies and speaks the language to communicate love to partner. This will ensure that the partner appreciates the effort of the other partner and in the process nurtures the relationship. In any case, the other partner does not identify and speak the love language, which his or her partner wants to receive, love chances are that the partner will feel not appreciated. According to Chapman (2009), when a person gets praises for the things they do for others, there is an augmented probability that they will repeat the behavior. There is also the increased probability that the person will praise others for what they do for her. This boils down to the fact that knowing the right love language through which one can give love produces good results. For instance, a partner who appreciates words of affirmation can only feel well appreciated if his partner uses the affirmative words on her rather than giving her gifts. This should be despite the fact that the partner enjoys giving gifts such that the partners love language takes precedence over his.
Gifts
Gift giving expresses a love that cuts across cultural barriers and this shows the magnitude of significance that gifts can bring to the relationship. According to Mponda (2007), gifts are visual symbols of caring that often have an attachment of emotional value, and this means that in as much as many people enjoy receiving gifts, there are those who enjoy more than others. This applies to those who have the language of gifts such that in any case they do not receive a gift from their significant others it makes them feel unloved. There are some instances where many may term the act of giving and receiving gifts as materialistic or shallow and dismiss the expression. This will turn out absurd especially for that person who speaks the language of gifts because gifts are extremely valuable to such people. The only thing to remember is that gifts should be those things the other person would enjoy, and not what they would like to have. For instance, for a partner who enjoys matching her outfits, it will be more loving than ever if his partner brings home something that was missing in her wardrobe not because they would like to have them but because she will enjoy having it especially when it comes from someone significant. This gesture will be more worth than bringing a fridge home because the partner has wanted to have it. This means that the partner should be careful to choose inexpensive gifts but those that have high sentimental value and avoid giving gifts only on joyful events.
Acts of Service
A couple may also choose to communicate by integrating the acts of service in the relationship to express love and care to each other. This entails doing something for another person that the partner strongly believes that he or she will appreciate. To some given degree, helping with regular needs, especially in a willing manner, also expresses volumes of love to a partner. In as much as there is a belief that helping one another in a relationship is paramount, the non-routine acts of service communicate this love more powerfully especially to those with this love language (Chapman, 2009). Therefore, when a person asks his or her partner of what he or she can do to help or simply get down to the task of helping without asking, it speaks love and appreciation to the one receiving it. This will be different from that scenario when a partner has to ask help so that he or she helps and expects that the partner feels love after the help. The partner who assumes that helping after the partner asks him to assist communicates love is running at a loss, and this is because it has to be out of willingness.
Quality Time
Some partners sometimes value undivided attention especially during those periods they feel the need of love. This is the ‘quality time’ love language that some people understand the best of all the love languages. It will be unfortunate for a partner who values quality time to be receiving divided attention from his or her partner, for this will translate to relentlessness where the partner does not feel loved. According to Mponda (2007), quality time constitutes that time partners take to talk and listen to each other with undivided attention. This is exclusive of other distractions like TV, phones and even texting. Undivided attention does not mean sitting on the couch, talking to each other while the phone or the TV is on, but sitting on the couch together talking and listening to each other without the TV, cell phones, and other distractions. This love language may seem difficult given the few seconds an average person can listen before interruption. This is because an average person can only listen for 17 seconds before interrupting, and this may prove an obstacle in embracing quality time between partners especially those whose love language is quality time. It is essential that for those people who identify with quality time as their love language have their partners make a list of what they like to do, and do the tasks with them. Moreover, a person can make time every day so that the partner can talk and share the events of the day and in this way build their relationship.
Physical Touch
A loving touch speaks volumes for those who have this language, and this is because, without it, such people will feel unloved and empty. Derek (2010) asserts that this love language is not all about the bedroom. It is surprisingly evident that a person whose primary language is physical touch is not exceedingly touchy. Physical touches include some hugs, pats on the back and thoughtful touches most of which can be just ways to show enthusiasm, apprehension, care, and love. For those people whose love language is physical touch, physical presence and accessibility are extremely fundamental, but the other person should be cautious because any neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive for that matter (Munroe, 2005). Partners who have physical touch as their primary love language hold kissing, hugging and holding hands as the lifelines of their love life. This includes a touch when upset, when feeling vulnerable or during a time of crisis for such things create an emotional lifeline for those who speak this love language.
Conclusion
There are five love languages from which a couple should identify their two and make them their primary love languages to show love to their partners. This will mean that a person firstly identifies his top two-love languages, then identifies that of his or her spouse, which he has to learn to speak. Knowing the language of the most respected person can serve as a guide for the partner when he or he wants to make them feel appreciated. It is certain that all the love languages are equally good because everyone is wired differently leading to unique individuals. Therefore, it is essential that spouses make others feel loved and appreciated in their own unique ways because that is the only best way to make them feel loved and this will help them to relate well.
References
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