Sequel of “Fish Cheeks” by Amy Tan
“You can be an American girl on the outside, but make sure to remain Chinese on the inside,” my mother told me after the Minister’s family and the fleet of my relatives that had come over for Christmas dinner had left (Tan, 2009). In all honest, I did not appreciate her insight promptly. From how I saw it, the whole dinner thing was the height of embarrassment like I had never experienced before. It was a moment I detasted who I was – a Chinese girl in America. My loathing of our “uncouth uncivilized manners” must have must grown ten fold.
Like scenes from a movie, the trail of events at the dinner table earlier that evening streamed in my head one after the other as I laid on my wooden bed in my room. As funny as it may sound, the ceiling board of the room effectively turned into one large television screen on which the scenes rolled. I virtually saw how I had trouble catching sleep the night before as I imagined how our American visitors would marvel at our Chinese customs, especially table manners, when do visit. I feared my crashboy Robert would never want anything to do with me after it all. I lost count of the number of times I had turned and tossed over the bed in utter distress. I am sure I must have finally fell asleep in the very wee hours of the chilly night.
On my ceiling flashback screen, I clearly saw how I woke up at the crack of dawn in total anticipation of what had unofficially turned out to be a d-day for me. Unlike other days, I had made sure that the house was spick and span. I had swept and mopped every corner of the living room, dinning and kitchen. I also did much to fix my bedrroom just in case I had the chance of inviting Robert to my bedroom. It was not that I was unaware that this was only likely if the sun rose in the west and set in the east.
As the evening neared, I had gotten more butterflies in my stomach. My head was flooded with ideas of how best I was to look so as to impress the crash of my heart, Robert. I had begun with a lengthy shower. Indeed I had made effort to clean every length of my skin lest Robert noticed a dirty spot on me and got turned off! At the closet, I had had a hell of time peaking the “perfect” dress. Finally I had settled on a pink flowery mini dress which sandals to compliment it. I had also made my long pony hair into a fine pussycat style. My self confidence had received a shot in the arm by the gasp from my mother at my sight when I joined her in the kitchen. “You look as stunnning as when I was your age,” she had lamented in nostalgia. Mother and daughter had gone about the preparations for the rest of the day.
Then I had almost freaked out totally when I heard the long awaited sound of the doorbell when the visitors checked in. For a moment I wished the earth could open and swallow in me in my entirety. But then wishes are not horses so beggers can’t ride. For mother was busy with final touches in the kitchen, only me could answer the door. I reckon it was stupid of me to ignore Robert like he did not exist when I finally gathered the confidence to let them in. I also recalled how it had gone at the dinning table to my utter discomfort. It was an experience I did struggle with for many years to follow.
However, it is said that “Time heals all wounds.” I finally got over my crush on Robert and also appreciated my mother’s lesson and reason behind our specific menu. That Christmas eve she had indeed chosen all my favorite foods and had understood not only my suffering at the dinner that evening but also what she had told me thereafter that it was okay for me to be American outside but remain Chinese inside.
Reference:
Tan, Amy. (2009). Amy Tan: Author Extraordinaire. Minneapolis, ABDO.
