Gottman’s seven principles for making marriage work
Introduction
Making marriage work is vital for the whole family to integrate together. John Gottman, a psychologist and skilled in relationship, has a vast range of experience in marriage. In his book, “The Seven Principles for making Marriage Work” provides methods for marital achievement and methods to do away with failure. He states that even for the happy couples are able to have loud arguments that in no way harms the marriage (Gottman, 26).
Gottman is of the opinion that it involves more than just communication for a marriage to be successful. He begins by looking into the myths that are associated with marriage like personality disorders, common interest and conflict. He goes to state that neurosis has no impact on a marriage if every partner accepts the other partner’s alternative side and manages it in the most caring and respect. Moreover, common desires play no role in keeping couples together, they are less effective ways and that eluding conflict is not good for marriages. Gottman states that reflective friendship is vital for marital success.
The seven principles that Gottman comes up with help to prevent marriage from breaking up. He states that, ‘the more emotionally intelligent a couple – the better able they are to understand, honors, and respect each other and their marriage…’ (Gottman)
He adds that a good number of people are of the thought that being involved in a divorce or being a marriage that is not successful in not something of great consideration.
A marriage has a strong influence on a person’s health. Marriages that do not bring joy have a high probability of resulting to sickness by about 35% and limit a person’s life by about four years. On the other hand, those have happy marriages live lengthier and healthy lives.
It similarly impacts the health of the young ones. According to Gottman’s studies, 63 pupils that are in homes that have hostility in the marriages were noticed to have chronically heightened level of stress hormones when compared to other children from other families (Gottman, et al, 28). Gottman goes on to state that while being in poor marriage for the purpose of the little ones is not advisable, peaceful divorce is more preferable than one where there is constant fighting from the parents that normally goes on after break-up.
The most common method for solving conflict in a marriage is through dynamic listening. Though Gottman insists that according to studies, most of the couples that have gone on to keep happy marriages less often do what seems like active listening when they are not in good terms. It hence comes to mind that marriages have not been perfect associations. Certain couples that said they were in unions that were fulfilling had varied differences in their level of tempers, desires, and family values. Conflict was common. The arguments were based on issues to do with money, jobs, children, housekeeping, and in-laws.
The seven principles for a successful marriage are a program is grounded on in-depth friendship. He got in his studies that unearthing of friendship is in no way a limitation of the rate of conflicts; conflicts that are successful are bound to apply repair methods.
Principle 1: Improve your love maps
The frequency that one is familiar with his or her partner, the more intimate they get to be. This is known as being in possession of a love map of one’s partner. This assists to keep intimacy and makes one be ready to handle stressful times and conflict. The life tendencies like bringing children into the family are well handled since the couples are in contact. The ones that do not have a love map that is insufficient may undergo a decline in intimacy in their union with the transformation to parenthood.
For one to improve the love maps there are a number of steps that are to be considered. The first one is the use of love map questionnaire which is a self-evaluation so as to know how much the person does know the other person (Teyber, et al). The book offers the readers a number of exercises for instance; the question game where one asks the other partner things that are relevant to the other person, there are also creation of love maps like filling details regarding the other person’s life, upcoming events, present stressful situations and hopes. There is also self-exploration that makes it possible for the other partner to create a better love map, good examples from the book included; my injuries and healing, my mission and legacy and the person I want to be among others.
Principle 2: Develop your fondness and admiration
This principle is based on the effort to elevate or unveil constructive feelings regarding each partner. The fondness and admiration elements of a couple’s association are the solution to contempt – it is cushion to stress as based on important positive view of the other person. If the present association is negative, the therapist may opt to look to the previous happenings for positive periods. These factors hinder what the book calls the ‘four horsemen.’ The absence of fondness and admiration makes the relationship have limited basis (Gottman, et al, 28). Improvement of discussions that are of advantage to the partner will be useful in creating fondness and admiration.
The book states ways that fondness and admiration may be improved. One may use a fondness and admiration questionnaire which assesses to describe the present situation. The book goes on to issue exercises that are categorized as; I appreciate: which are things that a person values regarding the partner and connect to a situation that took place, the philosophy of the marriage: which states the affirmative pasts and the anticipations that enabled the couples to be together, course in fondness and admiration: this is a day to day exercise on rehearsing of positive ideas and connecting actions that positively connects to the other person.
Principle 3: turn towards each other and not away
This principle is grounded on the notion of keeping in touch and in the best too. Turning to the other partner in small communications helps to create romance and interface above cushioning of stressful situations – it is the small and constant communications of turning to the other. It improves the feelings account and makes it possible for improved leeway in times of conflict.
The book offers a number of exercises for the married couples so as to improve their connection. The first one is an analysis so as to see the level of romance to the partner. The second method would be to be in touch with what one does so as to elevate the connection and do away with things that one did not do. This may involve a discussion which will be useful to connect the couples. There is also the reduction of conversations that limit the amount of stress. This is to make sure that other stressful issues do not spread to the relationship. Active listening is performed in this case, and this is in the case that one is not targeted by the stress (Gottman, et al, 29). The conversation is meant to elevate the level of being calm and do away with encounters. Instances are issued in the exercise so as to practice for the couple in real cases. Aspects that help to limit stress may involve; taking turns, no unsolicited details, display of genuine desires, pass one’s awareness of a situation, support the partner, show affection and authenticate feelings. Lastly, there is what one does when the other partner does not turn to the other partner. This would involve the contributions that both partners have had, the feelings and fears that arise among others. This is turned to getting to note one’s state; this may include feeling depressed, lack of appreciation and limited affection among others (Teyber, et al). This steps are useful as they would help the partners to turn to each other and hence an in-depth feeling of closeness hence shielding against conflict.
Principle 4: let the partner influence you
This principle is application to the marriages that there is no desire to share capability to influence. This is common with the male sex, though female may at times be on the wrong. 80% of the male that do not follow this principle are bound to spoil their relationship. Women on the other hand are bound to limit negativity. Men may worsen it normally with one of the four horsemen (critiquing, contempt, defensive or stonewalling), it at times may not take place though it may lead to 80% destruction of the relationships (Teyber, et al). This is since it went against the opinion of the other half as opposed to taking it into consideration. Close to 70% of men in such cases do not look for the other partner’s underlying status and is bound to spread as opposed to end the bad situation. The idea is still to display respect to the other partner with no regard to the beliefs. Certain people display dormant resistance to have their partners impact them. The main focus of this principle is not engage in an argument to and fro that is negative, going against a person’s intension. The idea is to show or not to show negative feelings, though it is how a person can accept them. Taking in influence of the partner drops to a decline the negative aspect. Strong basis of cooperation brings about solutions that are acquired. Taking in influence is bound to make it simpler for the male partner to set up in-depth love maps, high level of fondness and admiration and turn to the other half (Gottman, et al, 33). Women on the other hand are bound to be naturally based to relationships, while men are bound to be action-based. Hence, men are supposed to increase their energies so as to learn regarding their feelings and factors connected to it. Learning to produce is a vital step in the life of a person.
There those relationships that are bound to hit obstacles and others are bound to maneuver them. Women are bound to create sticky matter while men are bound to evade them. Perpetual issues are noted when the main issues in the conflict cases are noted and solved. Working with the demarcation of main issues assists the partners not to spread by noting the main issues and hence they are ready to really turn to each other. If sharing power in a union is hard for one, they then have to be aware of this so that the couples are able to be involved in this matter in a manner that is rigid and suitable for both partners.
The exercises that are presented in the book include accepting influence questionnaire which evaluates the size of influence is accepted by the partner. The other one is to give up position for the sake of the saving the relationship (Teyber, et al). Lastly there is following the Gottman Island Survival Game that makes it possible of couples to coordinate a survival list for a deserted island stay. They then see the reaction to affecting the other partner.
Principle 5: Solve your solvable problems
If an argument is seen as solvable, the couples have the ability to go for something else than to sort it out or shouting. The best advice would be the following;
Softening one’s startup: most conflicts end in the same tone that it started. Couples are bound to part ways due to keeping away from conflicts. Women are bound to be the ones with greater negative startups since they be pull themselves to solve the issue (Gottman, et al, 32). Men on the other hand evade conflicts since they are stronger. It is hence advisable to start an argument softly; the use of harsh words like; ‘what’s wrong with you’ ought to be avoided. The other advice is to accept repair efforts of the other partner this calls for doing away with negative aspects; humor is the best way to do this. There is also soothing each other and agreeing to a compromise as well as tolerating one’s faults one is not able to change the other couple.
Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock
This is bound to happen when a person’s life goals are not looked into by the other partner. This may involve; autonomy, peace, unity, just, healing and respect among others. When these dreams are upheld, partners are bound to know that marriage is bound to assist them in meeting the dreams and not control one out of it. The couples are aware that the union is meant to assist them meet their goals with consciousness that goals will be reached.
The best way to solve this is trying and knows the dream of the other partner which may be seen as minute though the dream may rise as conflict. Next one has to work on the gridlock issue through letting out the origin of the dreams (Teyber, et al). Criticism is not allowed but awareness. This is followed by soothing the other half, ending the gridlock and appreciating each other.
Principle 7: Creating shared meaning
Each and every person has a purpose that they look for in a marriage. The symbols and rituals are vital. There is family trend that offers meaning to the union. It may involve meeting their dreams that do may not connect. The couple however looks above that in a manner the connect with their meaning (Gottman et al; Teyber, et al). A focus on the core values is relevant, the shared meaning focus on rituals, roles, objectives and symbols. The couples ought to help each other in getting the meaning out of their relationship.
Conclusion
The book by Gottman has been able to focus on issues that relate to marriages and ways on how to solve them. The paper has been able to look at all of the seven issues that are common in most marriages and has offered varied solutions that would help to solve or manage conflict in case they arise. Conflicts are common in relationships and the best way to solve them is more than just communication; understanding each other, soothing, accepting faults and use of positive attributes are seen as the best way to manage conflicts in a marriage situation.
Work Cited
Gottman, John et al. Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship. White: Crown Publishing Group, 2007.
Gottman, John, M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999.
Teyber, Edward and McClure, Faith. Interpersonal Process in Therapy: An Integrative Model. Connecticut: Cengage Learning, 2010.
