This is an argument essay, and my professor gave me feedback, so I hope you edit my paper by his comment. Below here:
The strength of this is that you are clear about what you’d like this paper to do; however, your approach is actually better suited for more informal writing than serious, scientific work. It seems that the ultimate aim here is to attempt to convince the audience that they should drink milk, but the aim of the work in this class should be more directed to a scientific or medical professional audience. This means that you should not be addressing the reader—that is, use “you” or make recommendations to the reader—but rather you should stick to the more objective third person (he, she, it, etc.) that would be persuasive to a scientist or medical professional. In this sense, the third person keeps the work on the level of ideas and science, rather than personal appeal. I know this is an early draft, but I think your best bet would be to remove the section headings and just work from paragraph to paragraph. Some of the material you include, too, might not be necessary. Remember that the ultimate goal of this paper is to make an argument—to present and then support a thesis—rather than necessarily to inform the audience of milk’s benefits. Every element of this type of paper should serve a purpose in supporting that overall argument. To that end, you might want to shift your focus from an overall examination of milk’s health benefits, to what you describe as a part of the thesis: the interesting notion that milk per se is not itself the culprit behind certain cancers and allergies. To be sure, I do not get a full sense of this from what you have, but a focus on that would sharpen your argument. Ultimately, I think you succumbed to a tendency to give the reader more than what is needed to make an argument (hence your paper sprawls to approximately 8 pages of text). What I would suggest is that you pick out the major arguments about milk not being related to cancers/allergies and focus on that issue. As is, you sort of jump from health benefit to health benefit, making the work lack focus. Feel free to email me with any questions you might have about this feedback. Much of what you have here could still apply, but sharpening the focus is certainly needed.
I’m going through your argument essay drafts, and in I think too many instances, I’m seeing writing that employs the first person (I, we, our, my) and the second (you, your). I have a lengthier explanation available in the Resources tab called “A Tale of Two Writing Styles”—if you haven’t checked it out it’s a short and quick document that could be very, very helpful—but I just want to re-emphasize a very, very important point. The work you do in this class, particularly the papers, must be formally written. Among other things, this means that you have to stick to the objective, third person: that is he, she, it, they, etc. You are not speaking directly to the audience and telling them what to believe or do, but rather you are convincing your peers—that is scientists, medical professionals, etc.—that your assessment of the research leads you to conclude your thesis. Under no circumstances should you make reference to “our society,” or “we as Americans/nurses/medical professionals.” Basically, take a look at a source you’ve found that appears in a peer-reviewed medical journal, and aim for that kind of authorial voice. You’ll see that the only time they employ the first person—if at all—is when they are describing their methodology (we tested x number of patients for y…). Since no one here is actually performing lab work for this class, you will never need to employ that first person.
