Smarthinking’s E-structor Response Form

Smarthinking’s E-structor Response Form

 

                        (Your marked-up essay is below this form.)

 

HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking’s OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!

 

Hi Philippa! My name is Art F., your writing tutor for this research essay.

 

*Strengths of the essay:

You were able to identify the aim of the researches. Here’s an example:

 

The study sought to test whether an extension of the theory of planned behavior would lead to a better prediction of overall and concrete healthy eating behaviors or intentions.

 

This explains the purpose of the research in the reference that you chose. This will let the readers understand what the article is about. Good work, Philippa!

 

*Philippa 7481459 has requested that you respond to the Use of Resources:

It seems that some of your sources did not follow the APA style of citation in the references part. Proper citation will allow your readers to use your sources for further research on the topic. For instance, you stated:

 

Thomas, J., Schiels, C., & Gabbay, M. B. (2014). Modelling condom use: Dpes the theory of planned behavior explain condom use in a low risk, community sample? Psychology, Health and Medicine, 19, 463-472. doi: 10.1080/13548506.2013.824592

 

The last part did not follow the APA rule for citing sources. Properly citing your references differ from each kind. Commonly used references are books, research journals, and websites. Listed below are the APA format of citation for each:

 

Books: Author’s Last Name, First Name Initial. (Year). Book Title. Publication adress: Publisher.

(example: Oak, P. (1967). Medical Illnesses of Animals. New York, NY: Badge Publication.)

 

Journals: Author’s Last Name, First Name Initial. (Year). Article or page title. Larger publication title, volume or issue number, page number.

(example: Oak, P. (1967). Medical Illnesses of Animals. University of Kanto Journal, volume 3, 25-29.)

 

Websites: Author’s Last Name, First Name Initial. (Year). Article or page title. Larger publication title, volume or issue number. Retrieved from http//url address

(example: Oak, P. (1967). Medical Illnesses of Animals. University of Kanto Website, volume 3. Retrieved from http//www.uok.com)

 

Given these, which one should you use for your reference in the excerpt I gave? Applying this principle will help your readers study your topic further.

 

*Philippa 7481459 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:

Some sentences do not properly connect to other sentences because of the lack of pronoun use. This might make your sentences sound redundant. For example, you wrote:

 

 

The study showed that describing a healthy eater can help to predict fruit and low-fat dairy consumption and the overall healthy eating behaviors. The study shows that when a behavior falls outside a scope of common conceptions, then it could be targeted for intervention.

 

These sentences do not properly connect to each other. This can be improved by replacing your noun in a previous sentence by a pronoun (it, this, that, etc.). To guide you, please examine the sentences below:

 

Not coherent: The research suggests that one must eat a balanced diet. The research also shows that proper sleep should be attained.

Improved: The research suggests that one must eat a balanced diet. It also shows that proper sleep should be attained.

 

As you can see, the noun is “research.” In the second sentence, instead of using that, we replaced it with the pronoun “it.” Going back to your excerpt, which do you think is the noun that should be replaced by a pronoun? What pronoun will you replace it with? Applying the same principle to your sentence will let your readers see the coherence of your sentences.

 

Summary of Next Steps:

Remember the following when you revise:

 

  1. Document your sources properly.
  2. Replace previously stated nouns with pronouns.

 

I hope my comments will help you revise your research on psychology, Philippa! Thank you for submitting. ~Art F.

 

 

Find additional resources in Smarthinking’s online library:

 

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking’s student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer’s Handbook.

 

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Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays.

 

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Psychology Assessment 1

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